Mira Kolenc
In my environment there are some people who lead a non-relationship. This form of relationship is particularly noticeable to the environment in the way it is reported. No matter how a story begins, whether parents or friends were met, made a trip together or made a trip to a Swedish furniture store, it always ends with the sentence "But we are not in a relationship".
Another feature is that only one part of the couple calls out a non-relationship, while the other side does not take it too seriously, but just too many facts speak up. However, because there is no official commitment to a relationship, each narrative ends with the addition that in spite of all this is not a relationship. Whereby this sentence is pronounced exactly by that part of the couple that did not exclaim the non-relationship, but accepts it. Sounds complicated. It is.
Somehow, I have to think of Alice in Wonderland. So you know, this wonderful children's book by the British author Lewis Carroll, which you should definitely read as an adult again.
On her adventure trip, the title heroine Alice meets, among other things, a hatter and his remarkable circle of friends who are about to celebrate a tea party. Not entirely voluntarily, as it turns out. The Hatter tells Alice about his earlier friendship at the time, which he was able to influence as he wished. But with the order of the Queen of Hearts to behead the Hatter for his faulty song performance - the mind is a great passion of the regent - time stood still. Since then, the clock does not continue and for the hatter and his friends, it is always five o'clock, so always time for afternoon tea. You are trapped in an infinite tea party time warp.
Alice leaves this crazy society alienated, but thinking it would be great if it took time to do it on his birthday. Because then you could celebrate 364 days birthday. And "the festival would be called non-birthday."
Maybe the Alice part of a non-relationship thinks that exactly. He finds the state of non-existence of a relationship so exciting that he wants to stop time and forever celebrate a non-relationship. Sounds romantic, right?
Had the whole thing not somehow a bitter aftertaste. And not because the Alice-part could cultivate any Tindergärten side by side and officially yes, too. It is not so much a question of monogamy, because that is often proclaimed and appreciated in non-relationships. Rather, it is about why the burden seems to be so difficult for a commitment to another person, although like to spend time with the same.
And indeed, as we get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to get that commitment out of the mouth. The more life solidifies, the more uncompromising we become towards others. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong. It's good to know what you want and do not want anymore, but we should not be categorical. Life always happens in between. Sounds trite, but it is.
At some point, it is said, the days are over when you snog at a party, the next morning doing something and then somehow suddenly together. The ease gives way to mistrust and weighing one's own needs, followed by the question of what one is (still) willing to give up for another person.
I do not think so much of having to challenge a must-have-you-now-a-couple conversation, either someone wants or does not want to, say so or leave it. And omission is also a statement. Yes, I may seem a bit stubborn in this regard, but it always turns out that at the end of the day everything is pretty easy. The rest is bauble. Beautiful and exciting indeed, but also painful. Because a non-relationship remains just that in the end, a relationship without a real commitment and a part will suffer. While the other part says he has never promised or pointed out from the beginning that a relationship is not possible. Even if one's own actions could have raised opposite hopes.
Every relationship means making compromises, on many levels at the same time. That's a good thing, everything else would be boring. But I think that at least one thing is indispensable as a fundamental basis: a clear yes to each other. It was because of appreciation.
Photo / Video: Oskar Schmidt.
